On being the only one

Have you ever been the only one? You are standing at a party and you look around no one looks like you and no one talks like you and you realize you are the only one? I mean really the "only one." I've been the "only one" many times in my life. Mostly by choice. For some reason I have this internal desire to be the "only one."
This past weekend we (my husband, son and I) went to a birthday party for a friends daughter. As I sat there listening to conversations around me it dawned on me that I was the only white, English speaking, native born American there. I think the obvious feeling would have been to feel alone, nervous, uneasy. But I wasn't and actually never have felt that. Instead I feel privileged, energized and intrigued. I have a very special place, an outsider invited into another realm. A traveler that hasn't left town. I can participate and observe all at the same time. It's a opportunity that only one who can walk that fine line of two cultures can experience.
I speak Spanish. I'm married to a Mexican, the closest relationship one can have by choice. I eat beans for breakfast. I put lime on my soup. I watch telenovelas (yes I admit I've been watching "Hasta Que el Dinero no Se Pare"). I rout for Mexico in the World Cup. And someday I'll even have a Mexican Passport. But I'll never fully be Mexican because...
Every time I meet someone new they always ask me, "hablas espanol?" with a doubtful look. I don't look the part. And even after I convince people that I indeed hablo espanol, conversation is still limited. I know they are thinking to themselves "what do I talk to this Gringa about?" And I, knowing full well that my Spanish is just fine, always feel like if I talk to much they are going to find fault with my Spanish and really dismiss me as a poser. So I, a very outgoing person, withdraw, thus reinforcing my outsider status. A vicious cycle.
But this weekend I came to a positive realization about this. I don't know that I want to ever fully be. It was fun to be the "only one." I like the anonymity it gives. I like the observations I can make. I like the freedom to step outside of the moment and reflect.
My husband has been playing the part of the "only one" ever since we moved to Colorado. When he started his job he was the only Mexican working on a staff of 160+ people. He has been able to give me insights into my culture that I would never have noticed on my own.
I think together we are creating our own culture. A culture of the middle realm, where Spanish and English intermingle, where brown and white make a beautiful shade of tan and love holds lives from both sides of the border together.